Too Much

Have you ever gone through a feeling where everything come crashing down on you, without warning, without mercy, in a speed you'll never be able to keep up?

That's what I've been experiencing lately.

I thought it was just due to the event that took place in my life, followed by the mood-swings caused by hormones and menstrual cycle. (Yes, I'm aware that this might be a little too much information) However, its been a while, and I'm still feeling gloomy.

I definitely don't understand it. And I'm extremely annoyed with the fact that I'm easily annoyed with nonsense. (I just realized the irony after re-reading this.)

I'm complicated enough without these emotions tangled up in me.



It's not like I have a streak of bad lucks or occurrence going on. Sure, I wrecked the bumper of my parents' car. And was (or maybe still) having a feud with a lecturer. I also realized that acing my financial accounting course is a lost cause, I'd be lucky if I'm able to pass that course. Not forgetting that our final exam is just around the corner, and I'm not prepared AT ALL.

I have good things going too. My parents' reactions toward the damaged Mercedes-Benz is not what I expected. They took it well, too well actually. Sure, they are a bit frustrated, but they didn't scold, scream, lecture or take away my privileges (especially the Eurotrip). My friends are awesome too, they keep me entertained. They're cool with my moodswings and don't take it to heart when I annoy them a little too much.

Yet, I still feel ... I can't even find the word to describe it.

My vivid imagination doesn't help either, all they did were to make things more confusing and complicated. And my mind wanders a lot, at the most unappropriated time. Even when I'm driving, which is dangerous, as the drive from campus to my parents' house is approximately half an hour during off-peak and I like to drive fast. There has been quite a few times I almost drove off the road, once with mom on the passenger seat (you can bet that she freaked out and lectured me all the way home).

I'm in a phase where I feel like eating, constantly. However, I don't feel like having Yo-Yo's Peppermint Milky Tea with Pearl and Tuah Baker's bun. I want to get some pizza, but i no longer feels like ordering Pizza Hut's Hawaiian Chicken. This is also a rare case where cupcakes doesn't make things better. Little Italy's Fettuccine Carbonara doesn't seems so appetizing anymore too. There's not much choice left for a picky impulsive eater like I am.

Usually, at times like this, I'd either go to the beach or Signal Hill. Just sit there, and enjoy the view. But the weather doesn't allow me to do so, and I don't feel like being alone.

I don't want to go home; but I don't want to stay in campus either.

I don't want to be bothered; but I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to stay in my room; but I don't want to go out too.

I feel like crying; but I don't think I can force it out.

I want to sleep; but I'm not sleepy at all.

I call my friends out; but I don't feel like talking.

The weather is either too hot or its raining too heavily to do anything.

I pull a brave face. Pretended nothing happened. But its all a lie. They didn't notice this at all. I'm starting to think I should be in the entertainment business, seeing how good an actress I am.



Either that, or I'm going mental.

Photo courtesy of SecretZen.com