Vain Attempts

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Have you even been in a situation where you are needed to focus, but your mind seems to wander elsewhere, refusing to focus on what's important? In the back of your mind, you know what your priorities are. You have to do this, this and this. The whole list. Yet, you can't seem to find the force to do it.

I do. More often than you know. And I hate it when it happen. Every time when it does, I'll hate myself for letting myself suffer the consequences. I knew what will happen, it happened before. So, why do I keep letting myself down? I'll be angry with myself, I'll lose self-confidence, I'll be facing whatever the consequences are. The feeling of regrets. And of course, my parents' nagging and lecturing. It all can be avoided, if only I'm strong enough.

Weak. That's what I am. Weak. I can't even fight with myself, let alone fight with others. Often I wonder, will I survive in the real world? I live in a bubble, created by my family. I always try to break the bubble; to step outside the invisible line; to touch, feel, smell, hear, taste things that I am sheltered from. I'm still trying. But the little voices in my head is having doubt, why would I want to leave the bubble? Am I out of my mind? It's so comfortable in here, with nothing to worry about. Everything been taken care of. Why do I want to suffer alone outside? What is wrong with me?

Maybe I am crazy. I can't even force myself to study for my exam this Saturday. My mind can't focus on the notes I have, the letters in my textbooks, the terms used in my Political Science course. All it can think about are Guitar Hero in Feizal's bachelor pad, my red Sony Vaio and pink Sony PSP, my top friends in my Sony Ericsson, whatever show on TV, and my mum's Honda Stream. Oh, and the Rockstars' Diet which consists of Yo-yo Ice and cupcakes. As a student, the only tasks in my job description are study and submit assignments. Even to do those two simple things, I found difficult. Now, do you believe I can survive?


I can.


I will.


One day.


I know I will.


I will not stop trying.



I have you.



That should be more than enough to keep me from losing hope.




Don't stop believing.

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