Perplexing Human Behavior

I once heard someone said that people is the hardest subject to study. And its true, because everyone is different in every way. And we can never be sure what to expect from people.

However, we can always predict their future behavior as people seems to follow specific patterns when it comes to certain things.

These couples of weeks, I've asked myself a few questions.

Why people tend to crumble and capable to do anything to save themselves in a sticky situation?
How could someone who grows up and further their studies in the same city experience culture shock?
Why people brags about the things they do (even when its not suppose to be proud of) and exploits others just to prove that they really know their stuff?
Why do people keep acting as if they're innocent as a white sheet when the truth is they're nastier than shit?

Oh, obviously, these questions rotate around the people around me. If they're reading this, and not notice, I have nothing more to say then. You can close this blog now, as this will be a long LONG post.

I understand that people will always think of themselves first before anything else. I do the same too. But to sell someone out in the process, while you're supposed to be in the mess together? I never force any of you into anything, you were willingly (and eagerly, I must add) signed the letter yourself. You had a choice. You read the letter. And when someone threaten you a bit, you backed out, one by one, in front of me. Fine, I can accept that. Its understandable. You heard every single word he said, as much as I do. So, its on your conscience, not mine. Because I stood my ground, especially when he started to get a little too personal and insulted OUR parents. Yes, our. Just remember, he used profanity to describe your parents, and you just show your back on your parents. Oh, and I know those tears and apologies were not sincere. Because I saw with my own two eyes, the expressions, the reactions on all of your faces as soon as you walk out that door. Seriously, do you feel any remorse? On anything? At all? And today, you didn't want to come and meet the person who probably can saves all of our asses from the bloody mess? Well, at least you shows up, even though you were half an hour late. This shows how much you actually care about the whole mess. And I thought you were better than this. Oh well, it doesn't matter what I think. As long as you're happy with the way you are.


I've asked myself, over and over and over again. How could someone experience culture shock if they've been in the culture all their lives? Imagine this situation, you live in Kota Kinabalu, which is not much of a city to begin with, then you further your studies in UiTM, which located outside the township (and in a pretty much secluded area), and suddenly, you're experiencing culture shock. How does that even possible? Oh, don't use your parents' relationship as an excuse. EVERYONE has a family problem. It's a matter of how you carry yourself. Your sisters are doing fine, and they're in a bigger, more seductive, city, while you're here, in a sleepy town. What is your excuse then? They experience the same thing as you do, and has more temptation in that metropolitan city, but they manage to resist it. How about you? The "Oh, my parents are divorced" thing is not a valid excuse. You're not alone. Your parents are not the only ones divorcing in this world. Statistic said 3 out of 4 marriage fails. Just be grateful it wasn't a nasty divorce, and your parents are still friends. Worst of all, you're all grown up when this happens. Oh, just a reminder, looks is nothing compared to a good heart. So, you're pretty. I admit. And you obviously knows it (as you said it out loud yourself). But that's not your ticket to go around playing other people's heart. Luring and deceiving them into falling for you. Yes, deceiving, as you were lying about yourself. Then, you left them high and dry (literally, or maybe you didn't) for their acquaintance. Your dream is to be pursued by guys. Okay, never mind, that's every girl's dream. You want them to fight for you. Sure, the situation looks so romantic in movies. The difference between you and the heroins in the movies is, you're doing this knowingly and enjoying every bits of the moments. You're taking advantage over the blindness of love, of people that actually care about you. You lie, you cheat, you stole, you hurt. How long are you going to keep up with this charade? The truth will eventually reveals itself. And when that happens, no one can help you.

Writing this just frustrate me a little more. (Okay, that's an understatement.) I'll continue to elaborate more on the last two questions in the next post.

Happy Reading! (Or maybe not)

Too Much

Have you ever gone through a feeling where everything come crashing down on you, without warning, without mercy, in a speed you'll never be able to keep up?

That's what I've been experiencing lately.

I thought it was just due to the event that took place in my life, followed by the mood-swings caused by hormones and menstrual cycle. (Yes, I'm aware that this might be a little too much information) However, its been a while, and I'm still feeling gloomy.

I definitely don't understand it. And I'm extremely annoyed with the fact that I'm easily annoyed with nonsense. (I just realized the irony after re-reading this.)

I'm complicated enough without these emotions tangled up in me.



It's not like I have a streak of bad lucks or occurrence going on. Sure, I wrecked the bumper of my parents' car. And was (or maybe still) having a feud with a lecturer. I also realized that acing my financial accounting course is a lost cause, I'd be lucky if I'm able to pass that course. Not forgetting that our final exam is just around the corner, and I'm not prepared AT ALL.

I have good things going too. My parents' reactions toward the damaged Mercedes-Benz is not what I expected. They took it well, too well actually. Sure, they are a bit frustrated, but they didn't scold, scream, lecture or take away my privileges (especially the Eurotrip). My friends are awesome too, they keep me entertained. They're cool with my moodswings and don't take it to heart when I annoy them a little too much.

Yet, I still feel ... I can't even find the word to describe it.

My vivid imagination doesn't help either, all they did were to make things more confusing and complicated. And my mind wanders a lot, at the most unappropriated time. Even when I'm driving, which is dangerous, as the drive from campus to my parents' house is approximately half an hour during off-peak and I like to drive fast. There has been quite a few times I almost drove off the road, once with mom on the passenger seat (you can bet that she freaked out and lectured me all the way home).

I'm in a phase where I feel like eating, constantly. However, I don't feel like having Yo-Yo's Peppermint Milky Tea with Pearl and Tuah Baker's bun. I want to get some pizza, but i no longer feels like ordering Pizza Hut's Hawaiian Chicken. This is also a rare case where cupcakes doesn't make things better. Little Italy's Fettuccine Carbonara doesn't seems so appetizing anymore too. There's not much choice left for a picky impulsive eater like I am.

Usually, at times like this, I'd either go to the beach or Signal Hill. Just sit there, and enjoy the view. But the weather doesn't allow me to do so, and I don't feel like being alone.

I don't want to go home; but I don't want to stay in campus either.

I don't want to be bothered; but I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to stay in my room; but I don't want to go out too.

I feel like crying; but I don't think I can force it out.

I want to sleep; but I'm not sleepy at all.

I call my friends out; but I don't feel like talking.

The weather is either too hot or its raining too heavily to do anything.

I pull a brave face. Pretended nothing happened. But its all a lie. They didn't notice this at all. I'm starting to think I should be in the entertainment business, seeing how good an actress I am.



Either that, or I'm going mental.

Photo courtesy of SecretZen.com

No Profanity Intended

Well, yesterday was a day well spent. All credits to a certain person that is amazingly reasonable and understanding.

As some of you may know. There is an Malaysian Policy Seminar held in Federal Administration Complex co-organized by UiTM Sabah from 6-8 October 2009. A few of my classmates, including myself, are selected to participate and be a part of the facilitators in this event. Therefore, the faculty had issued an exemption letter for us from attending classes during the event.

A lecturer however disagree strongly with our participation with the said event as it is time-wasting. On Tuesday night, he called our class representative and demanding all of us to attend his class the following day regardless our other obligation. Noticing the conflict, we discussed this matter with our reporting lecturer, Dr. AP, during the event who told us to go with the original plan as we have an authority letter to not attend the mentioned class.

The next day, our decision to miss his class has been seen as an act of rebellion as we didn't obey his order. He genuinely think that the seminar is a waste of time and irrelevant to us Diploma of Public Administration students compared to his English class where he teaches us how to write a book on the "fabulous life of P.M.R.M." or "P.M.R.M.'s amazing family".

He then called the class representative who happens to be one of us, and elaborately, descriptively and passionately express his opinions and thoughts on this matter. And rather loudly too (thou this is an understatement) causing her on the verge of tears. Seeing how serious this problem turned out, as he also mentioned that that will be our last class, we all abandoned our tasks to rush back to the campus.

As soon as we reach the campus, we went straight to the class. However, we were told that he has left. Therefore, we went up to his office, with intention to maturely talk this thing over, but only to get the door slammed on our face. We waited for an hour, but he still won't see us. After talking to Dr. AP, we decided to just go back to our respective rooms. We were also told to not go back to the seminar, as it will make things worse with P.M.R.M.

We were rather disappointed to not be told so, as the day's presenters were the highlights of the events, with topics that are interesting and mind-opening. Furthermore, most are event related to what we learn in class. We were hoping that this seminar will increase our understanding with the subjects.

Today, even though P.M.R.M. said that he will not be teaching our group anymore, we went to his 8am class nevertheless. We turned our backs on the seminar. As expected, he did not show up. We all just stayed anyway, since we have a 10am class nearby. While heading to the next class, we noticed that he was in the area, and not looking upset at all.

Anyway, from now on, we'll just go to class as scheduled whether he shows up or not. If the university questions our attendance, we will just say that we did attend the rest of the class, its the lecturer who did not attend. (UiTM has a strict attendance policy) We also wrote a formal apology letter, explaining our reasons with the exemption letter attached. We also sent a carbon copy of the letter to the course coordinator and the campus director.

Note: This post is written in formal ways to avoid unnecessary profanity.

My Ideal Partner

Yes. That's the title. Your eyes didn't deceive you.


Wait, hold on. Before you start with some wrong ideas, no, I'm not writing about my own image of an ideal partner.

I just found out that we have to write an essay about it for our English class.

I'm dreading it, of course.

I'm secretly hoping that we have an exception since we're required to attend (more like facilitate) a seminar next week. I don't want to write about this topic.



However, if I have to, what do you think I'll write?

Disaster Gone Wrong?

I wrecked my parents' Mercedes-Benz last night.




Just by going out of the driveway of my aunt's house. I hit the gate. Don't worry, there's no harm done to the gate.

But I can't say the same for the car.


I was expecting some outrage from my parents. You know, some screaming fits, yelling out "You're not allowed to drive for a month!" or "You won't get anymore allowance for 3 months!".

Well, on contrary, when I called my dad out to check out the damage I've done. He just said "Hmm. Bah. Kasi keluar dulu kereta ni." Then he went back inside to continue where he left off.

Then, I went back inside, feeling absolutely guilty and anxious to hear what my punishment(s) would be. I sit down quietly with them only to find out that they are talking about our Eurotrip this coming November-December. I was like, "Oh no! Are they going to cancel it? Am I going to be left behind?" (Note: My parents and I haven't bought our tickets)

I start to listen a little more intently to their conversation. Ignoring Zorro the kitten who's been trying to play with me. Apparently, they were talking about how to get to Paris, Switzerland, Prague etc. from London. My dad said we can drive or take a train. Then my uncle asked him, does this mean he's coming. (Note: My dad usually the one driving whenever they have a trip together) He said he's not since he has other plan. Then my mom turn to me and said "Well, Aqilah and Roxy can drive then, there's always GPS."

At that point, I didn't know what to think. Aren't they suppose to NOT let me drive after I crashed into a gate? I even pointed out to them that I did just so less than 10 minutes ago! (I know, what were I thinking pointing them out?) But Dad was like, "Meh. It was an accident."

You have no idea how relieved I was at that point.

This week has been a... I can't even find the right word. Let's just say it has been a hell of a week for me, okay? The weather has done a great deal of job to reflect my mood. The stormy night, the heavy rain, the cloudy sky, earthquake and tsunami. I feel a lot better after being off the hook from any punishment for totaling the front bumper. But the weather is still cloudy, so is my mood.

My poor friends. They have to endure my terrible mood. My witty jokes have been a lot meaner, and almost crossed the line where it says "evil". I've been a LOT more annoying. Been bugging them like crazy. Being cranky for nothing. Arguing a lot. You know, the sudden mood swing. (Kan Nana?) The darn flu I've been having is not helping either. It just make things worse than it already is. Not to mention I skipped yesterday's classes without a valid MC. (I don't feel like having an appointment with my doctor at this moment)

I wanted to end this. This is not good for myself nor the people around me. In order to do that, I must have some girls night out fun to drive these (emotions? sadness? feelings? anger? what?) away. And I can't do that being cooped up in the hostel nor the house.

Which is why, I can't wait for Unitar's Annual Dinner next weekend!

The question is, is this mood of mine going to last until the night come? I certainly hope not.

The Reasons

Why I Love Taylor Swift?

Here's my reason #147



Here's my reason #169



And the current top reason to love Taylor Swift's song?




To Rugayah "Kimberly" Puspawangi, I'll still choose T-Swizzle over M-Cyrus. Your words won't affect me. :P

Fanatic Much?

Check out the video on how Kanye West ruined Taylor Swift's moment.

It was her first Moonman, and he just HAD to do it. Spoilsport!



You can see how suprised, excited and happy Taylor was when Taylor announced she won the VMAs Best Female Video award. (Confusing isn't it? With two different Taylor in the same sentence. The latter is Taylor Lautner a.k.a. Jacob Black). Pink, who was nominated for the same category, was smiling delightfully for Taylor (Swift) too!

It was supposed to be a good day for Taylor Swift. Another speech on how she can't believe how lucky she is. Thanking everyone and make some witty comments at the same time. (Yeap, THAT similar Taylor Swift's speech.)

We forgot to count Kanye West in the equation. He's always a man of his own opinion. (HIS OWN. No one else willingly back him up, EVER.) And we never knew that he's a HUGE fan of Beyonce Knowles.

So, Kanye's being Kanye. He went up to the stage, took the mic off Taylor's hand and praise Beyonce in national (or should I say international) TV which airs live in the States. Well, at least Kanye did CONGRATULATED Taylor beforehand. (As if that'll make it up for the disaster.)

Then, it's Beyonce's turn to have the suprised look that was on Taylor's a minute before. Except, without the delight, of course. In fact, she looked appaled by Kanye's action.

After Kanye returned the mic to Taylor, you can see that the excitement has drained away. THANKS A LOT, KANYE! She's too, I can't even find the word to describe what Taylor could have felt at that moment, to say anything.

After the incident, celebrities start to show their support to Taylor Swift, and tell Kanye off for being out of line. (Of course, their exact words would be much more offensive, but you get the idea.)

Well, don't expect any statement from Beyonce. She's always been a private person, this won't be in her nature. Plus, Beyonce, Jay-Z and Kanye are friends. However, by the look on Beyonce's face, I'm pretty sure she'll handle the situation classily (as she always has been) and will be having a talk with Kanye in private.

Oh, afterward, Taylor still performed as scheduled being a professional that she is. (Take a note, Kanye.) I must say, she handled the situation well and rocked the performance. I would do my all too, if I were in her shoes, just to show that (fill in the blank) Kanye West that I deserve the award!

Here's the video of the performance.


P.S: Kanye, apology NOT accepted. Taylor Swift thank you for bringing her more fans.

Please Don't Leave Me

Gotta Love P!NK

Anyway, on an unrelated note, i've pulled an allnighter tempting to understand my PAD160 - Principles of Management assignment.

Note: Tempting to understand.

Yes, I still haven't penned my part of the assignment yet. I would not admit defeat to plagiarism (yet!) eventhough the clock is ticking. However, I now have a clear view of what they're all about, so I should be able to write them. Especially when my inspiration starts to kick in, I would be typing non-stop.

A personal message to my PAD160 lecturer:

Dear Madam,

The reason why we never seems to pay attention to you in class is because your voice is so small, even mouse have difficulties to hear it. In addition, its boring. Oh, don't be a perv and favor the guys over us girls. They make more noise than us, and they sleeps in class!

P.S: Please, next time, give a CLEAR instruction on the assignments.

Love,
Your students who will ace your class nevertheless.

Meet Me Halfway

Yes, I do realise I've been posting lots of YouTube Music lately.

I'm supposed to be doing my assignments now, I mentioned about them in my post on Sunday. But, to tell you the truth, I don't seem to be making any process. My head is filled with other things.

3 assignments, none near finishing, all to be submitted next Monday.

Let the FORCE be with me.
(Star Wars quote)

Lemon Tree

Like "OMG! I haven't heard this song in AGES!" (try to imagine I saying that line with the bimbo kind of attitude)

Yeah, I haven't heard this song in ages. This song was popular when I was still in kindergarden! But somehow it popped into my head during my financial accounting class. (The lecturer were distributing our test result, I passed, suprisingly) My mind couldn't focus to anything this week. And this week, FOCUS is what I absolutely NEED. My assignments are still no where near finishing, and the dateline isn't going to wait for me.

Got to keep my priorities straight. Have to let go of certain things. Forgo.

Gotta Gotta Keep My Head In The Game!
(High School Musical's song!)

09.09.09

Today is a memorable date (09.09.09). Everyone been buzzing over the numbers. Lots planned to have their weddings on this date; some successful, some couldn't due to overbooking of venue.

It doesn't mean that I'm going to enjoy today.

Anak Derhaka

I found this article on The Star Online.

This is really sad and making me feel really angry to the ungrateful offspring.

SIN Chew Daily reported that an elderly couple in Singapore who gave up their duplex to their son ended up homeless after they were chased out of the house by the ungrateful offspring.

The couple now call the staircase of a school their home.

The man, who was named as Lim, was a manager before he retired. He had a son and a daughter who lived in Jurong, Singapore.

Relating his ordeal to a secretary of the school, Lim said he and his wife decided to give their duplex home to their son as a wedding gift about two years ago.

The couple thought that they could live in the house with their son. He, however, decided to sell the property for RM960,000 to buy another condominium. Lim and his wife were then sent off to live with the daughter.

After a year, the daughter decided that they were no longer welcome and banned them from touching her children.

The couple could not enter the house after their daughter changed the locks to the house.

The parents gave their home to the son as a wedding gift. But he wouldn't take them in, a year later, their daughter don't want them too. And she even banned them from seeing their grandchildren?! WTF?

Parents can be annoying, but they don't deserve this kind of treatment! After everything that they did and sacrificed for the children's sake, this is what they get?

There must be a law against this.

Note to self & parents: Don't change the name of the home ownership, EVER. Just put them in the will. That'll make sure you have security in your own home.

Parents

Don't it ever crossed your mind that they are the most annoying human being in your life, yet you can't help but to love them unconditionally anyway?

Well, I do. All the time! Especially toward my mom. Gosh, she gets into my skin every time, yet I still love her, and do whatever she said.

My mom, well, you can say that she's sort of a Nazi. The world revolves around her, and nothing else matter to her. You do what she says, OR ELSE! Yes, I have that kind of mom. My aunt always label her as the "big boss", I guess that's the polite way of saying it. That power that she holds and demands doesn't stop just in my family, it extend to her siblings and in her office. Well, maybe she's to do that in her workplace, as she is the senior executive there. Nevertheless, that doesn't excuse her from taking her work mode home. She need to learn to stop bossing people around! Have some limit, woman!



People always say, if you want someone to stop ordering you to do something, do it miserably. It doesn't work; it NEVER work. She still boss me around to do it, anyway. Even when I pull a face, throw tantrums, argue with her, everything that can cause me to be labeled as an insolent child. She still won't stop.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to help out my own mother. I do. She just need to put a line, so that I can live my own life. Yes, I need a life, that doesn't revolve around serving her every little needs. I don't mind driving her to places, or running some errands for her. But I need my day off too! I need a time away from this family too! She can't always expect me to drop everything I do, just to drive her to a shop that is 2 blocks away from the house. She can't expect me to walk away from whatever I planned with my friends, just because she need me to drive her somewhere, when I already told her in advance (1 week notice!) that I have plan and will not be able to be there for her. She need to do things on her own again, just like before I know how to drive or run errands. She need to let go of me. Or I will do it for her.

Thankfully, I have such an amazing group of friends. They know what my parents are like, and they don't hold it against me every time I walked out on them. I'm so grateful to have them in my life, that understand how my dysfunctional family works. However, no matter how tolerant they are to my behavior, I still feel guilty. I feel bad for not being able to be there for my friends when they need me the most, just because my parents don't understand the true meaning of friendship. Sometimes, I just want to do what Intan did in her teenage years, and be rebellious. But I can't, I don't have the guts to do it. I can't plot against them like she did. And I know my parents will be extremely disappointed in me if I do.

That doesn't stop me from planning it, thou. I plan for everything in my life. Everything from my daily life to my career path. So far, I'm always on track with my plans, apart from the occasional disrupt from my parents (but I do have backup plans for these things, so, no worries). Yes, I plan to be rebellious. How thoughtful. Intan's rebel by doing whatever crosses her mind on that exact moment, based on guts and instinct. And I plan my mischievous ways; how, when, why, where, who. That definitely shows that being sisters doesn't mean you'll have the same personality and thinking.

I will not spill any details about what my plans are, because that will be stupid. I will, however, put off that plan until I have enough of it. When that happens, you'll never see it coming. Of course, I'd warned Intan about this, she just hopes whatever I planned, whenever I decided to accomplish it, I won't screw up my life over it. And I will always keep in touch with her, even if its once a month or once a year. So, I promised her that.

I'm turning 19 this month. So, legally, I don't need my parents' or guardian's approval anymore. I'm responsible for my own life. My parents need to get around with that idea, and release me. They should learn from their mistakes. Or at least remember what it's like to be 19. They're lucky they have Intan to keep me sane and in place. So far, she's the reason why I'm still tolerating with their behavior. Maybe the reason doesn't sound right, since I should love my parents more than my sister. But at least it has done its deed.

I love you, but I just need to get away from you. Or else, I'll never achieve my full potential. You're just like a form of drug, the kind that boost you up when you take it in small portion; but kills you if you overdose. I won't let the latter to happens to me, at any cost.

August

August. The month August can easily be on top of my list of favorite time of the year. Not only it's my favorite number, 8, it's also my birth month. There's lots of activities can be done in August. Furthermore, autumn season falls on August in Northern Hemisphere, which includes the entire Europe. Europe is on top of my list of places to visit. I've always loved the idea of Europe during autumn season, when all the tress are brownish, and leaves falling. Chilly weather, as the Winter draws by. I've never been outside Asia yet, but soon enough, I'll land my foot on European soil.

However, that's not the case for this year. In fact, I felt like skipping the whole July-November semester. If only the universal remote control, that Adam Sandler used in his film "Click" actually exist, I would buy it and skip this chapter of my life. Just like the Sims game I always play. I would use it more wisely and beneficiary than Adam has. Maybe this will only be the only time I'll use it, (maybe I'll fast forward or set on autopilot for my classes) I'm just dreading this semester.



First of all, I dislike the classes I'm taking this semester. Well, I'm just unable to get my head around studying anymore. My laziness is on it's peak! As usual, I'm doodling in class and barely paying attention to the lecturers. Worst, I'm copying other people's work. Especially for Management, Financial Accounting and Microeconomics. Fortunately, I have some basics for my Management class, as I took the course for 1 month in my first semester here. My then lecturer was super-fun and awesome, therefore I remember everything she taught me. My current lecturers for these three courses are, what you can call, plain boring and dull. If only I could make a deal with my university: I don't have to attend those classes, as long as I maintain my GPA, and get A for each of them. To me, that's fair deal, win-win situation. Again, IF ONLY.

Next, for the Muslims, the fasting month, Ramadhan, falls on August this year. To be more specific, on the 21st of August. Two days before my birthday. And it's on Sunday, and there's no holidays on that week. So, I can't do anything for my birthday. Intan planned to take me for an escapade short vacation to Bali for my special day. As usual, she didn't run things with me first, so she didn't know I can't go anywhere, or would have the energy to do anything that I wanted to do in Bali. And Mom wouldn't let us go to Bali on fasting month, anyway. How depressing. My Bali trip has never been successfully accomplished.

Another reason is, there's Pikom PC Fair in Sabah Trade Centre on 7th till 9th August. Yes, I should be jumping with joy, being the geek that I am. But, do keep one thing in mind, I'm a student with no income, and I rely on my parents for financial aids. So, what's the point for a geek to go to a PC Fair, where all the gadgets are on bargain, and leave without buying anything? It will only causes pain on my part. I told my mom about the event a few weeks earlier, so she could prepare her budget for me. Instead, she planned for something else, she's going to Kuala Lumpur the day before PC Fair, and only coming back 3 days after. She knows I'm going to ask for something expensive, and she couldn't deny it, as it's my birthday coming up, and I should be rewarded for doing well last semester.

Furthermore, I still don't know what to ask for my birthday. A car? I don't need one, plus, I'm planning on leaving this place as soon as I finish my diploma. A new phone? Well, my current one is a bit of a mess, as the buttons are all screwed up. But, I'm not sure what phone to get. Plus, mom keep talking about the how expensive phones are overrated and not worth it. I rather keep using my current phone than buying a lower grade phone. A camera? I planned on getting a digital camera at first, but now, I'm not so sure. We have a Canon DSLR at home already, so there's pretty much no point of getting a new one. I'm not really all that crazy about photography anyway. So, what should I get for my birthday? Maybe I should just ask for a 2 weeks vacation in England. Despite the H1N1 outbreak that scaring everyone from walking into any airport. How's that?

Not forgetting, with the passing of Malaysia's most prominent director, Yasmin Ahmad, recently, there's no more interesting commercials to look forward to this Independence Day. Yasmin always manage to promote cultural diversity and unity in all her works. She made them witty, yet deep. No one can take her place. Her passing is a great loss to the nation.

Vain Attempts

Have you even been in a situation where you are needed to focus, but your mind seems to wander elsewhere, refusing to focus on what's important? In the back of your mind, you know what your priorities are. You have to do this, this and this. The whole list. Yet, you can't seem to find the force to do it.

I do. More often than you know. And I hate it when it happen. Every time when it does, I'll hate myself for letting myself suffer the consequences. I knew what will happen, it happened before. So, why do I keep letting myself down? I'll be angry with myself, I'll lose self-confidence, I'll be facing whatever the consequences are. The feeling of regrets. And of course, my parents' nagging and lecturing. It all can be avoided, if only I'm strong enough.

Weak. That's what I am. Weak. I can't even fight with myself, let alone fight with others. Often I wonder, will I survive in the real world? I live in a bubble, created by my family. I always try to break the bubble; to step outside the invisible line; to touch, feel, smell, hear, taste things that I am sheltered from. I'm still trying. But the little voices in my head is having doubt, why would I want to leave the bubble? Am I out of my mind? It's so comfortable in here, with nothing to worry about. Everything been taken care of. Why do I want to suffer alone outside? What is wrong with me?

Maybe I am crazy. I can't even force myself to study for my exam this Saturday. My mind can't focus on the notes I have, the letters in my textbooks, the terms used in my Political Science course. All it can think about are Guitar Hero in Feizal's bachelor pad, my red Sony Vaio and pink Sony PSP, my top friends in my Sony Ericsson, whatever show on TV, and my mum's Honda Stream. Oh, and the Rockstars' Diet which consists of Yo-yo Ice and cupcakes. As a student, the only tasks in my job description are study and submit assignments. Even to do those two simple things, I found difficult. Now, do you believe I can survive?

I can.

I will.

One day.

I know I will.

I will not stop trying.

I have you.

That should be more than enough to keep me from losing hope.

Don't stop believing.

Lost

I've received 3 news today. Good news; Bad news. And the other one was what I considered a bad news until i received my good news, it turn out not to be as bad as the new bad news.

Confused? Well, you won't be for long.

The original bad news for today was supposed to be my parents' homecoming. They've been away for 2 weeks. They went there with my uncle and aunt. Today, they're coming back. No more home alone for me, no more late night movies, no more peace & quiet, no more sleepovers. Basically, no more fun. Not that I did anything irresponsible during the past 2 weeks. In fact, I've been an angel. Well, compared to my devil sister, I really am. She's super fun, I'm super... Well, boring.

If you didn't know, I've sent my Vaio for service the day I sent my parents to the airport. My Vaio had a heatstroke. So, I've sent V to the gizmos hospital for a check-up, and they submitted him into the ICU. They need to perform a cardio surgery on him and put in a pacer. Haha. In technical language, I overheated the processor, it's just matter of time before it explodes, so the technicians will have to repair and replace the processor and the other damages I've done. *sigh* Luckily, I'd noticed it earlier, or else, it probably will explode, just like Roxy's. If I did, I probably be dead by now. Why? I exploded my Vaio in just mere 4 months of usage. Mom won't be too pleased about that. Anyway, back to the story. Today, V is allowed to check out of the hospital. My heart was doing the summersault when they called me to tell me about it. Immediately, I excitedly went there to fetch him. Me, two weeks without him, was terrible. Yes, I did get a replacement for the two weeks by borrowing Baba's laptop, but it's nothing like my Vaio. Baba's Dell may had filled my time during the absence of V. But it couldn't replace him. Vaio was like my other half. You can have just so many friends, but only one soulmate. (I realized I sound cheesy, but that's my analogies, just bear with it) This is the best news ever. Having your other half back.

As I mentioned, my Good News wasn't all good news; it brought me the worst news of all. How can having your other half back become the worst news, you ask? Imagine this situation. You received a phone call from the hospital where your other half is. You just found out that he (or she) finally woke up after 2 weeks in coma. Obviously, you'd be jumping up and down, and running to the hospital as soon as possible. (Unless you secretly wish that he die so that you can get his insurance money and whatever he have. To that I can only say *gasp*) However, as soon as you're there, standing next to his bed. You're so eager to hug and kiss him. But when you try to, he pushes you away. And his first words to you are "who are you?". How do you feel? Devastating, isn't it? Worst, if you depend on him for almost everything.

That's my worst news of all time. I lost all my data in my Vaio. All. Everything. E-V-E-R-Y-BLOODY-SINGLE-T-H-I-N-G!!!!!

You have your other half back, but only physically. He's no longer himself. He's just like an empty shell. He's not suffering from amnesia, where there's possibility that he will gain his memory back. No, this is permanent damage.

As you may know, my finals are coming up. In fact, its next week. Today is Thursday, thus, 4 days before finals. And guess where all my notes are? That's right, in my Vaio. I didn't managed to backup my files, because it was so sudden. I did asked the technicians to backup my files before the check up. Before they found out it's worse. Somehow, it slip their minds too. You can't tell me to just copy the notes from my classmates. Because I do my own notes. All the notes in my Vaio, was all me. I read all the bloody books I have, and made my own version of it. All my bloody efforts. But you know what, that's not the main problems. It's all the pictures that I saved in my Vaio. All the memories of my past, vanish just like that *snap*.

I couldn't even bring myself to complaint to the technicians. I was speechless. I was so.. so.. horrified, that I couldn't find any words in me to say. Me, out of words? That's a rare occurrence, and this was one of it. I'm clueless. I don't know what to do.

Now, I'm just going to get all the software that I used to have in Vaio back. Re-do my notes. And think about the pictures later. *sigh*

Spot-check

There had been a spot-check at the cluster a moment ago. Yes. A moment ago. At 2 in the morning. I was sleeping when they knocked on the door. Hard.

Is it necessary to do a spot-check in the middle of the night? Okay, maybe that's the whole idea of a spot-check. Well, actually it started around midnight. Someone passed my room fussing about there's people in uniform in the cluster. So, my roommate investigated about it further. And turns out its true.

So, immediately, we started cleaning the room. Ha-ha. The window that has never been touched ever since we moved in is now squeaky clean. There's no more shirts hanging on the closet door. We cleaned up good. And hid the things that are not supposed to be here. And the electronic devices that we haven't registered and paid the bill for.

We have waited half an hour. They were still in another block, so we couldn't wait. And now I can't sleep. What can I do at 2 in the morning? I don't even have any assignment left to do. I've submitted them all.

Darn Campus Life.

Doodling in Class

CSC 134:
Mr. Khairul Anwar will now keep an eye on me in class. He's marking me as a troublesome student. Why? Because I argue with him, don't pay attention to class. He knew that my SPM results was very well, so he can not say I'm a stupid student indirectly. Instead, he told the class stories about how a student with good SPM results got bad CGPA. School & Campus is different. Yes, we are very much aware. In school, I never submit my homework; In campus, I, along with the rest of the students, struggling to finish our assignments.

Oh, and he was supposed to give us our first test. But he decided to postpone it, once again. But before he start his lecture, he quizzed us. No one even bothered to raise their hand to answer. I, obviously didn't. I answered him under my breath, and got everything right without refering to the notes. I think I should have, just to piss him off. He started saying that we need to read more, and understand what we read. Make an effort, all that shit. He also said that, if we failed on our final, we'll stand complaining and blaming. We'll blame the lecture for doing a lousy job, and complaint it to the board. On that precise moment when he said those words, I chuckled. Too bad he didn't hear it. I complained on the 3 week of lecture, the 5th time I attended his class. Not after final, even before the first test! I won't blame him thou if I fail, unless if he purposely flunk me, but that's a different story. I know he's a terrible lecturer, I should have never depend on him. But I won't deny that he's a terrible lecturer, and if I make it to the Dean's List, I won't give him any credit. None. Nada. He doesn't deserve it. Anyway, enough of him. Worthless.

PAD 120:
We didn't study anything. Only more information on how to do our assignment.

BEL 120:
We sang. Yes, we sang. "Like A Rose" by A1, boyband I think. I'm not sure. And then we're asked to write and talk about a person in our life that treated us like a rose, the way the composer of the song defined. Obviously, it's not my parents. It's Intan, my one-and-only beloved crazy-ass elder sister. People who know me, or us, possibly have an idea why.

Oh, I forgot to mention that this week is I Love English Week. Tonight, there will be a talent war in the Gym. Singing competition & Battle of the Band. I'm not going, thou. Have tons of assignment to finish. Tomorrow, the Spelling Bee which I'm participating in. Let's hope I don't choke and able to think out the words.

Darn Dress Code

Darn the UiTM dress code. And darn the power-mad security guard. I was fined today for my attire. If I was in any other college, apart from Islamic institutions, there's nothing wrong with my attire.Can you believe it? We're still using the same dress code since UiTM first established. UiTM did improved its dress code last year, but it was taken back. And now, we're stuck with the old ones. The very same one as it was in my mum's time. With shoulder pads and all.



The left is the new dresscode that has been taken back. We're using the old one on the right.

You want to know what I was wearing? Here's the picture. See, I actually violated more than one. The tops too short, no matrix card, jeans too tight for UiTM's standard. But the security guard was kind enough to fine me with one violation: the jeans.

Since it is my first time to be fined for anything in campus. My first time being caught violating the campus's rules. I don't know what it means. All I know if I violated more than 3 times, I'll have a hearing and pay for the consequences. Hmm, I'll ask around. Hopefully it's nothing.

Cruel Life

I stumble upon this website : http://www.russiatoday.com/news/news/36941 today.

Young hero died protecting sister from molester

A seven-year-old boy who died defending his older sister from a potential rapist has been honoured posthumously. Zhenya Tabakov's mother received the order of courage medal on behalf of her son.

Just over two months ago Galina lost her son and she's still struggling to get over the shock.

Zhenya was brutally murdered by a robber, as the boy was trying to save his 12-year-old sister from being raped.

It all happened in late November, in the small military town of Noginsk-9 - a place where even small crimes are rare.

Around midday, a man rang the bell of the flat where Zhenya and his family lived.

“I asked who it was. The man said he was the postman, and he needed to give us a telegram and get a signature. So I opened the door,” recalls Zhenya’s sister Yana.

The little girl says the man held a knife to her throat, and demanded that her brother bring him all the money he could find. Zhenya did as he was told. But when the man started undressing his sister it was more than the boy could bear.

Zhenya seized a knife from the kitchen and plunged it into the man's back. This didn't kill the attacker, but it was enough to set Zhenya's sister free. She ran for help. But it was too late for her brother - he was stabbed eight times.

Thirty-five-year old Sergey Kiyashko is in custody accused of the murder. Police say they have all the evidence they need to convict him.

The entire population of the little town seemed to show up for the farewell ceremony. The heroic death of seven-year-old Zhenya was something that the federal prosecutor's office could not pass by either. The chief inspector Aleksandr Bystrykin paid tribute to the boy's courage.

“At the prosecutor’s office, we witness many atrocities on a daily basis. But this case has sent many of us into shock. And it's played a part in the drafting of a new law on tougher punishment for those who commit crimes against children,” Bystrykin said.

Receiving the order for her son, Galina was unable to speak.

Nothing can bring Zhenya back to life again, but the little boy's heroism has become the pride of the town - and of his school in particular.

The boy’s photo now occupies the desk where he used to sit. Later on a special plaque will be fixed onto it. And only the best pupils will have the chance and honour of taking that place.

I couldn't find any word to say, but the world's evil. Greed is everywhere. War is inevitable. Innocence no longer exists. We're better off dead.